


To Tomorrow

by yououui



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Alternate Universe, Depression, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mental Illness, Moving On, Suicide, additional warnings:
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-22 03:14:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14299563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yououui/pseuds/yououui
Summary: Fai is gone. For Kurogane, it feels as though tomorrow will never come.





	To Tomorrow

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I have been working on for a few months. The content was hard to write and can be hard to read, but it did help me with my own grief to write this out.  
> This story deals with depression and suicide. There are no graphic displays, but it does discuss the method, and overall could be troubling or potentially triggering for some. Please, only read this if you are able to.

Today. Tomorrow. Those were what Kurogane thought were most important, what everyone should focus on. Yesterday was already gone, it couldn’t be brought back, couldn’t be changed. To fixate on the past would only bring misery and prevent him from moving on towards the future.

As he sits in the hospital hallway with his head in his hands, he tries to listen to his own words, to believe what he has preached since he was a teenager. Try as he might, he can’t help but wish.

Can’t help but focus on the past, on last week, last night, the last hour. 

It feels like tomorrow will never come.

Part of him hopes it won’t.

\--

There is a dark and heavy wooden frame sitting between hundreds of flowers. Incense burns under it, the mixed scents headache inducing. Kurogane thinks that if he ever smells a flower again, it will make him sick.

Within the frame sits a photo of Fai. His hair is wild and golden, his eyes glittering and deep blue, like round sapphires. The smile on his face is wide, pressing dimples into his cheeks. There were many photos Kurogane could have chosen from. Hundreds, really.

He let Yuuko pick this photo though.

Colleagues, friends, old and current students, the room is never empty. When it comes time for the final ritual, the last prayers to be said over the body before it’s burned and the ashes buried, only Kurogane and Yuuko are present. The two closest people in Fai’s life since he lost his family long before Kurogane ever met him.

The ashes are buried in the space next to Kurogane’s parents, under a slab of stone. On another piece of stone that stands tall like a pillar, his name is carved. It’s shiny and new, the etched name dark like a shadow, not much different to the way it is engraved into Kurogane’s heart. The longer Kurogane looks at it, the less it looks like the most important name in his life and the more it looks like gibberish.

None of it feels real. None of it has felt real since that day he found Fai, lying on the bed they had shared for years looking much like he was just sleeping. Kurogane would have thought so too, if not for the empty bottle of pills next to the note on their bedside table, if not for the way his head had sat limp and heavy in Kurogane’s hand as he held him close and tried desperately to wake him up. Kurogane is waiting for the rest of the world to stop like his did in that moment, but it keeps turning, leaving him confused and dizzy. 

A hand on his shoulder pulls his eyes from the stone. Yuuko isn’t smiling, but her eyes look fond. How long has she looked that mature? Or maybe it isn’t maturity, but exhaustion. Kurogane hasn’t seen himself, but he knows he looks worse for wear from lack of sleep and food, from grieving.

“Let’s get a drink,” Yuuko suggests.

Kurogane considers it, then shakes his head. “I should get home,” He says. He doesn’t really want to return home, doesn’t want to see what their apartment looks like with just him in it, but he is too exhausted to do much else.

Finally, Yuuko smiles. “Then we’ll have a drink at your place. Come on. I’ll drive you.” Kurogane should have known she would probably tie him up and force him to spend time with her before she would ever leave him alone right now.

The night does not include just them. Sakura, Syaoran, and Tomoyo show up with dishes in their hands so that Kurogane will not have to cook for the next two weeks. Watanuki and Doumeki bring even more bottles of wine than what Yuuko already had. As the night progresses, the apartment fills with familiar faces, with stories and laughter and a few tears.

“The first time I met Fai-sensei,” Sakura says, smiling, “Was on the first day of class in sixth grade. He was showing us a presentation of what we had to look forward to for the rest of the year, and was mixing all these things together.”

“I remember!” Tomoyo says, and Syaoran nods.

“He mixed all these chemicals together,” Sakura continues. “Then—boom! A huge puff of smoke! He fell on the ground and we started calling for help because we thought he was hurt!”

“Then he gave his famous smile and told you all that that is the reason you must always follow proper procedure in the science room,” Yuuko finishes. “Yes, he’s put on that little display since he started working at Horitsuba.”

Sakura and Tomoyo laugh, but they’re sad, quiet little things, and they look like they’ll start crying at any moment. They don’t look much different now than they did when Kurogane first met them all those years ago when they were just children. Now though, they’re all college students, getting ready to start their lives. Kurogane brings his drink to his lips and takes a gulp, enjoys the feeling of it burning as it slides down his throat to sit warmly in his belly.

“One thing I’ll never forget is the first time he ever saw you, Kurogane,” Yuuko says, looking over at Kurogane from over her glass. The two make eye contact, and it feels like there is a shift in the space between them. She then looks around the room and waves her hand nonchalantly. “It was simply adorable. His eyes lit up and his cheeks turned red—oh, I was sure he’d latch onto Kurogane in that moment and never let go.”

Everyone laughs except for Kurogane. He is thinking back to that day, the memory clear as if it had just happened a week ago. It was his first day, and he had gone to Yuuko’s office to let her know what equipment he needed for his physical education classes, and Fai was in there, sitting on the edge of her desk and laughing with her over something. The two were best friends, having worked together for a couple of years before Kurogane arrived and a little too mischievous for his liking. When Fai had looked up and saw Kurogane, his looked just as Yuuko had just described him. He easily slipped on a charming smile and introduced himself though, and that was the first time Kurogane had ever been given a nickname. Kurogane smiles to himself at the memory.

“But, we all know our Fai,” Yuuko says softly, and Kurogane looks up at her to find her looking over at him again. “It took him a little time and a little nudging, but I was right. Eventually, he never did let you go.”

There’s a weight to her words, one that settles over all of them like a stifling blanket. Yuuko swallows and takes another sip of her drink, Watanuki’s gaze shifts to the floor, and at Kurogane’s side, Syaoran bites back a sob. Tears drip down his nose, and suddenly he looks like a 14-year-old again.

Kurogane claps him on the back. “It’s okay, kid,” He says quietly, and Syaoran nods and desperately wipes at his eyes. The tears don’t stop easily, though.

For the rest of the evening, more wine is passed around, more stories shared, more laughter and a few more tears. Kurogane stays silent most of the night, just tries to enjoy the company around him. He looks around the room, at all of the shared love flowing between them, love for Fai and what he was to all of them.

Kurogane expects to look over and find Fai sitting at his other side, sharing an elaborate story of his own that will leave everyone crying with laughter, his cheeks tinged pink from his own laughter and Yuuko’s strong alcohol.

When he looks though, the space is empty.

\--

Blue eyes look up at him for a long while, just watching as they walk through the park. Kurogane tries for a long time to ignore it, but finally he rolls his eyes and looks at Fai, who is holding onto his arm. 

“What are you looking at?” He asks, and Fai just smiles.

“You,” He says, as if it is the simplest answer in the world. Kurogane supposes that it is, but he still expects some excuse for the unabashed staring. One doesn’t come, and he just shakes his head and looks up at the cherry blossoms around them. 

“Thought you wanted to take a walk so you could look at the trees,” Kurogane says, looking back at Fai to raise a brow. A gust of wind passes by, picking petals off the trees to blow around them. One gets stuck in Fai’s hair, and Kurogane can’t help but reach up to grab it.

“I can do both,” Fai says, finally moving his gaze to look up at the pink petals. Kurogane lets the one in his fingers fall to the ground, and he instead takes Fai’s ponytail in his hand and yanks on it. Kurogane knows he didn’t pull hard enough for it to hurt, but Fai still whines and looks over at Kurogane with a pout. “Mean.”

“You need a haircut,” Kurogane replies, pulling Fai along to continue their walk. 

“I like it,” Fai says, turning his head back and forth, the hair tied messily near the top of his head swinging with the movement. The ends curl this way and that, the pieces too short to stay held back framing his face. It’s light and airy, like spun gold that can shimmer silver when the light hits it just right. Kurogane ponders that it’s funny that Fai’s hair is as unruly as he is.

“Fine, but I better not hear you complain about it later,” Kurogane says with a shrug.

“Yes, yes, of course, I’d never complain to _you,_ Kuro-sama,” Fai says teasingly. He lets go of Kurogane’s arm to skip forward a few paces, turning with a dramatic flair of his arms. “It’s so beautiful!”

The wide smile on his lips, the way his eyes sparkle under the bright sun, his hair being swept up softly by the wind, it all makes something in Kurogane’s chest swell. He wants to scoop Fai up in his arms and hold him tight, right there under the cherry blossoms. Kurogane is not much for public displays of affection though—he will show Fai everything in his heart later. For now, he just crosses his arms over his chest and raises a brow.

“They look the same every year,” He says, because they do. This row of trees never seems to change, despite all the time that passes.

“Doesn’t make it any less beautiful,” Fai says as he skips back over to Kurogane. He takes Kurogane’s hand and pulls on it, forcing Kurogane to uncross his arms and follow him. “Let’s take a picture!”

Kurogane rolls his eyes, but decides to afford Fai the luxury of taking a photo with him because he knows Fai will win in the end if he tries to argue. Fai finds a spot he deems appropriate and holds his phone out. He grins while Kurogane… doesn’t scowl. Fai takes a few photos and swipes through them, cooing and laughing as he does.

Kurogane takes his own phone out and holds it up to Fai. “Smile,” He says. Fai looks up without really hearing Kurogane, a smile still on his face from whatever selfie he was looking at, and Kurogane snaps a picture. The smile slips slightly and he blinks when he realizes what Kurogane did. Kurogane looks down at his phone, and then back up at Fai. “Cute.”

Fai’s cheeks flare red and he grabs onto Kurogane’s arm, pulling on it insistently. “Kuro- _samaaaaaa,_ ” He whines. “Delete it!”

“Why?” Kurogane asks as he tucks his phone into his pocket. He can’t help but smile. “It really does look cute.”

Fai whines again. Some pedestrians look over towards him, and as always, Fai doesn’t seem to care at all. Kurogane shakes his head and lets Fai hang onto him as he continues down the path, dragging Fai along.

\--

The room is dark, lit only from the light from the television and what little light is streaming in through the windows. Kurogane comes to sit on the couch with a fresh mug of tea in his hands, which he sets on the table in front of him so it can cool. On the armchair, there’s a pile of clothes, folded neatly so that they don’t get wrinkled.

He hasn’t been able to sleep in the bedroom since that day. He could barely even step in there to grab the things he needed. Instead, he’s begun camping out on the living room couch. It really isn’t too uncomfortable, despite Kurogane’s large frame, but it doesn’t matter much since Kurogane can barely sleep anyway.

He woke up before the sun had risen and was unable to fall back asleep, but the dark silence was almost deafening, so he flipped to an early morning news channel. He doesn’t pay much attention to it though, it is just on to provide some filler. Instead, his eyes drift to the cabinet that sits under the living room window. There is a drawer that holds important documents, another that holds junk, a couple of shelves that hold some of Fai’s cooking books and Kurogane’s manga.

The top of it acts as a makeshift shrine. There are photos of Kurogane’s parents from when he was a child, one of Fai’s twin brother that passed away when they were teenagers. In the middle of the photos is a newer picture, one of Fai smiling without care and surrounded by cherry blossoms that sits in a white lacquered frame. 

Kurogane forgets all about his tea. He just stares at the photo even as the sun begins to rise until light pours into the room and reflects on the glass, blocking Fai’s face.

\--

Kurogane shakes Fai awake, but the blond keeps grumbling and burying his face into his pillow. It takes a while, but Kurogane finally manages to get Fai sitting up, and the poor man looks more exhausted than he should be, considering how early they went to bed the night before. Kurogane worries that perhaps Fai had trouble sleeping again. Before he can ask, Fai throws his feet off the bed and pads out of the room. 

Kurogane finds Fai in the kitchen a few minutes later, pouring coffee grounds into the filter. His gaze is lowered, his hair hiding his eyes. Kurogane frowns and furrows his brows—despite having not said anything, Kurogane can tell that something is wrong. He is not sure if something caused it, or if it is Fai’s own dark thoughts twisting their way to the forefront of his mind again.

Fai hits the filter wrong and spills the spoonful of grounds, and his fingers curl tightly around the spoon until his knuckles turn white. He takes in a deep breath, lets it out in a shuddering sigh, and stiffly puts the spoon down. He kneels down and attempts to scoop the spilt grounds into his hands, but it only spreads the mess.

“Oi,” Kurogane starts, but Fai shakes his head.

“It’s fine,” He says, and Kurogane frowns deeper.

“Fai—“

“I’m fine,” Fai insists. He drops what little he’s managed to get into his hands and stands up, grips the edge of the counter with dirty palms. “I’m fine, it’s fine, it’s fine,” He repeats, and it sounds more like he is trying to convince himself than Kurogane. Kurogane steps forward, and Fai hangs his head. He takes in a deep breath, and then finally looks up at Kurogane with a wide smile. “It’s fine! I’ll sweep it up,” He says again, perkier than before.

Kurogane feels worry twist like a knife in his gut. He recognizes that smile, the one Fai used often before they began dating, the one he still uses at school and around other people. The guarded smile, the smile that is a little too rehearsed. Kurogane looks down at the grounds on the floor, then back up at Fai as he rinses his hands off and sets off to find their broom.

Kurogane knows well that Fai is not as fine as he may seem. Fai tried to hide it, in the beginning, but Kurogane could not pretend to ignore the demons that he knew lurked in Fai’s heart. It took time, but Fai opened up to him, stopped hiding so much. Kurogane had tried to get Fai into therapy, and Fai had given it a try, had even tried antidepressants before deciding that it wasn't the route for him. 

The two helped each other though, with each passing day they spent together. Being with Fai had helped quell some of Kurogane’s anger issues, had helped Kurogane realize that it was okay to rely on other people. Fai was patient with him, on those days when he was irritable and snappish for no reason, and would just shake his head and smile in understanding when Kurogane would apologize later.

And Fai… Well, he was not magically healed. Neither of them could do that for each other, not entirely. But he seemed happier. Whatever burden had been sitting heavily on his heart for so long seemed to lighten as their time together grew. The days still come though, sometimes when Kurogane least expects it. He knows Fai well now, knows him as well as he knows himself, and even when Fai tries to hide whatever he is feeling, Kurogane can tell when something is wrong and he is willing to do anything he can to help. Even if there is nothing he can do but sit by Fai’s side, he will do that and never complain. Not when Fai needs him. 

When Fai returns, Kurogane snatches the broom from his hand. “Kuro-sama?” Fai asks, raising a brow as Kurogane moves to sweep up the grounds.

“I don’t want coffee anyway,” Kurogane says as he bends down to sweep the grounds into the pan. “I changed my mind about hiking today. I’m way too tired after running with the kids yesterday.”

Fai’s smile slips away and he furrows his brows. “But… You’ve been looking forward to this hike. You’ve waited three weeks for the weather to be just right, so we should still…”

“The mountain won’t go anywhere,” Kurogane says. He stands, dumps the grounds in the trash, and props the broom against the wall. They can put it away later. “For today, let’s just rest. We can rent some movies and order food. It’s been a while since we’ve been able to spend the whole day at home, after all.”

“If you’re sure…” Fai murmurs, his fingers pulling and picking at his lips in nervousness. It’s a habit he has, one that Kurogane keeps trying to break.

Kurogane pulls Fai’s hand away and plants a kiss on his lips. “Positive,” He affirms. Fai blinks and then smiles. It’s fragile, a little worn around the edges, but it’s real at least. That alone warms Kurogane’s heart.

The two end up lounging on the couch almost all day. Fai falls asleep with his head in Kurogane’s lap halfway through their second movie. He stays like that for a few hours, shifting a bit every now and then until he is facing Kurogane’s stomach. In his sleep, a hand comes up to rest by his chin, and his fingers cling to Kurogane’s shirt. Kurogane lets Fai rest, just runs a hand through loose blond hair.

When Fai wakes up, the sun is beginning to set and there’s a line of drool slipping from his lips. He messily wipes it away and looks up the length of Kurogane’s body. Kurogane is relaxed against the couch and watching an anime on the television, but when he feels Fai move, he glances down at him. “You let me sleep too long,” Fai mumbles sleepily even as he shuts his eyes again and nestles his face against Kurogane’s stomach.

Kurogane snorts and knocks his knuckles against Fai’s head. “Then get up, sleepyhead,” He says, taking a piece of hair between his fingers to twirl absentmindedly.

Kurogane isn’t looking down at Fai, but he can hear the smile when Fai says, “No. Too comfortable.” He then sighs contently, and Kurogane can’t help but smile as well.

Nothing is more comfortable than Fai against him, at his side, in his lap, sleeping on top of him, under him. Whichever position they find themselves in, whatever scenario, Kurogane enjoys the weight of Fai, the warmth of him. Most of all though, he enjoys seeing Fai smile, loves seeing the way Fai’s heart can be lightened when it grows too heavy to bear. He hopes he can always be some form of comfort for Fai, like Fai is for him.

He doesn’t voice any of this though. Just pets Fai’s hair and lets him rest, lets him silently know that he will always be there for him.

\--

Kurogane’s eyes are itchy and dry, begging for sleep. Try as he might, Kurogane cannot sleep, even with how exhausted he is. He is only able to fall asleep when his body is physically unable to stay awake any longer, even with his racing thoughts.

Fai often had trouble falling asleep, too. There was a time when he could not fall asleep unless he took his prescribed sleeping pills. He would be much like Kurogane is now, unable to fall asleep until his body grew too exhausted to stay awake, either with or without his medication. Kurogane had felt sorry for him—he usually did not have issues sleeping, and could only imagine how hard and exhausting it was for Fai. He could not even stay awake with Fai most nights, as he naturally woke and went to sleep early. Fai never complained though—it wasn’t Kurogane’s fault, the blond would often remind him. 

Through some sleep therapy though, Fai had gotten to a point when he did not have to take the pills most often, and was able to fall asleep on his own only a little while after Kurogane would doze off. It had helped considerably, in his energy and his overall mood.

A spare bottle of those sleeping pills had been kept in their medicine cabinet though, for those few nights when he needed one. That bottle is gone now, emptied in just one day.

Kurogane pulls at his hair, squeezes his eyes shut. He feels sick. 

He pushes himself off the couch and to the bathroom to take a hot shower. That usually helps him sleep.

\--

Kurogane stares at the names carved into grey stone for a while. There are flowers in his hands—his mother always loved lilies, so he makes sure to bring a bouquet every time he visits. At his side, Fai stands in his bright blue coat, able to brighten up even the most somber of places. He looks rather sad as he looks at the graves.

Kurogane eventually sets the flowers on the slab of stone in front of his mother’s name. He sighs as he stands up straight and shoves his hands into his pockets. The world is white around them with snow and cold, but Kurogane doesn’t feel the chill much. Not like Fai, who must put on layer after layer before he can step outside, lest he freeze to death—or so he complains.

“Okay,” Kurogane says, breaking the stiff silence. “Let’s go.”

Fai frowns. “So soon?” His nose is pink from the cold.

Kurogane nods. “I said what I needed to. Besides, it’s freezing out here. Let’s go get some coffee.”

Fai smiles sympathetically and nods, reaching out to take Kurogane’s arm in his gloved hands. It’s silent between them as they walk through the lines of graves towards the exit. Finally, Fai asks, “The empty spot next to them… Is that for you?”

“Father bought them all when we moved here,” Kurogane says. _When it was clear that mother wouldn't be living much longer,_ Kurogane thinks. For a moment, his heart twists. As he thinks about it though, he can’t help but snort and shake his head. “Who the hell buys a grave for their kid? Crazy bastard.”

“He just wanted you all to stay together!” Fai chides, nudging Kurogane’s shoulder. “It’s kind.”

“Sure, and it’s also weird,” Kurogane says, raising a brow. Silence falls between them again and he clears his throat. “There’s… Well. Never mind.”

“Hmm? What is it, Kuro-tan?” Fai asks, looking up at him.

Kurogane does not meet Fai’s gaze, just keeps staring straight ahead. For some reason, his heart is pounding hard against his ribs, to the point where he’s worried one will crack. “The spot next to mine is open. No one has bought it yet.”

Fai’s face reads confusion for a moment, and then his eyes grow wide and he lets out the softest, “Oh…” He looks away, down towards the ground, then up towards the sky. Kurogane can’t blame either of them for being nervous—asking someone to take the burial spot next to yours is probably a bigger proposal than marriage. 

Finally, Fai leans his head against Kurogane’s arm. “I wouldn’t say no if you wanted to buy it,” Is what Fai says, his voice soft and tentative. Kurogane just smiles and shakes Fai off of his arm so that he can drape it around Fai’s shoulders instead. The way Fai leans into him is comfortable and familiar, something he has grown so used to, he isn’t sure how he ever managed to live without it before.

“I suppose you are very much like your weird father, Kuro-pon,” Fai muses in a teasing tone, and Kurogane lifts his hand to pull on a lock of Fai’s hair in retaliation.

\--

Kurogane drops a package of cookies onto the slab of stone. Watanuki had made them for him, but he knows he’ll never eat them, so he brings them to Fai, instead. He knows that a stray animal will snatch them once he leaves. He still gives himself the pleasure of thinking that Fai would be very thankful to receive such a sweet gift.

He doesn’t say anything. He never does when he visits graves. This time is different though. His parents’ graves are just to the left of him, where they’ve sat for the last several years. This is new though, so foreign that Kurogane cannot understand it. Cannot understand why Fai’s name is carved into the stone that was supposed to hold Kurogane’s name, why Fai is laid to rest next to Kurogane’s mother when it was always supposed to be him in that spot.

Kurogane’s legs grow weak, and he kneels on the cold stone walkway in front of the grave. He lifts his hands, begins to reach out towards the name in front of him, then curls them into fists and sets them on his knees. He lets his head hang, too exhausted to hold it up anymore, too tired of staring at that name.

It feels like vines are entwining around his ribs, growing tighter and tighter as thorns stab his heart until it feels like he cannot breathe. There is a lump growing in his throat. His eyes burn. He holds back the tears, though.

He shuts his eyes, takes in one stuttering breath, lets it out slowly, repeats. He does it again and again until he can look at the grave in front of him again without falling apart.

“I don’t know what to do,” He confesses in a whisper to the cold stone in front of him.

There is no answer.

\--

Kurogane is laying on his stomach, his chin propped up on a pillow, his eyes shut. The blankets are pooled at his hips, his skin sweaty and bare. It’s peaceful, even as he thinks that he really should get up and change the sheets and probably open a window. He doesn’t want to though, not when he feels warm and like he could fall asleep right there.

He grunts at the sudden weight on his back, and there is a light laugh in his ear. Fai is half on top of him, his pointed chin resting on Kurogane’s shoulder. “Kuro-sama seems very relaxed,” Fai says, and Kurogane keeps his eyes shut.

“I was,” He replies, and Fai just laughs and nuzzles his face into the back of Kurogane’s neck. His nose is cold against Kurogane’s warm skin, and Kurogane ponders briefly just how Fai can always be so cold, even right when they just finished having sex.

“We should clean up,” Fai murmurs softly into Kurogane’s ear. Just like that, the peace in the air returns.

Kurogane hums in agreement, but doesn’t move. Fai’s laugh is soft and quiet and his cheek is warm where he lays it against Kurogane’s back, even if his fingers are cold where they trace patterns into Kurogane’s skin. In that moment, it feels like only the two of them exist, like the world has been swallowed up, like it’s grown smaller and smaller until they are the only ones left, them and the small space around them.

Fai presses a kiss against Kurogane’s shoulder, then the back of his neck, then behind his ear. “Is Kuro-sama sleepy?” Fai asks lowly, and Kurogane just grunts in response. He can feel Fai smile against his skin as a hand slides across the expanse of Kurogane’s shoulders. It slips under Kurogane’s chest, slides down his abdomen, and finally Kurogane opens his eyes.

Fai laughs as Kurogane flips him over in one quick movement, so that Fai is on his back and Kurogane can look down at him. Fai opens his eyes and looks up at Kurogane, still giggling, and Kurogane smiles. “Seems like I need to work harder to tire you out,” Kurogane says lowly into the space between them.

Fai just smiles lazily. His hair is loose and fanned out on the pillow, his pale skin is reflecting the dim light from their bedside lamp, his eyes are dark and soft. Something swells in Kurogane’s chest, and he cups Fai’s jaw in his hand to lift his head up to a kiss. Fai sighs into his mouth and cold hands wrap around Kurogane’s neck, pulling him closer. Their lips move against each other languidly, no rush to the way they pull each other close and refuse to let go.

They just end up kissing the whole night. They shift positions, until they are on their sides and lazily sharing kisses back and forth as their eyes grow heavy with sleep. Kurogane’s arm is draped heavily over Fai’s middle, and Fai’s fingertips are drawing patterns onto Kurogane’s chest. Fai’s fingers slow, and his eyes slip shut, and Kurogane knows that he is just moments from slipping into sleep. He looks so young like that, so peaceful and content and beautiful.

Kurogane smiles and presses one more kiss to Fai’s lips, and Fai murmurs something unintelligible and shifts closer, tucking his head under Kurogane’s chin. Kurogane chuckles and scratches his blunt fingernails lightly against Fai’s back until he falls asleep himself.

The next morning, Fai whines over having slept on dirty sheets. 

Kurogane just kisses him to shut him up.

\--

Kurogane visits the café three blocks from the apartment, the one Fai took him to on their first date and that had quickly become a regular spot for the two of them. It’s small and sells a variety of different kinds of cakes and it had always been Fai’s favorite place to go when it was raining or he had too many assignments to grade. They even have a green tea bun that Kurogane enjoys, despite not typically enjoying sweets too often. They ended up visiting so regularly, the baristas knew them by name.

When he walks in now, he thinks that it should all feel the same. It smells the same, it looks the same, the people are the same. But everything feels different, like he’s just been thrown into another world.

Chitose is working today, a sweet girl that liked to slip Fai free pieces of cake when her manager wasn’t looking. Today though, she looks horribly sad when she sees Kurogane walk in. He’s not even sure how she knows, but he remembers that Fai is a popular guy. Was. Kurogane doesn’t know.

He steps up to the counter and she tries to manage a smile, and Kurogane worries that she will burst into tears. “Green tea, to-go,” He tells her, and she nods and sets about making his drink.

When she returns to the register, she shakes her head and refuses to take the money Kurogane is trying to hand her. She presses her lips together in a tight line, then says with a thin and shaky voice, “I’m really sorry, Kurogane.”

Kurogane swallows thickly and nods, tucking his cash back into his pocket. “No reason for you to apologize,” He murmurs. He can’t bear to look at her anymore.

“I’m still sorry,” She says. She presses the warm to-go cup into his hand. “Keep stopping by, okay?”

Kurogane nods. He wishes he could give her a smile in that moment, but try as he might, he just can’t. “Thanks,” He manages to say at least, and then he turns and walks out. 

He wants to keep that promise to her. With how he is feeling after spending just five minutes in there without Fai at his side, he isn’t sure if he can.

\--

Kurogane nudges Fai’s half open door and comes inside without knocking, the box in his hands preventing him from doing so. Fai looks up, reading glasses perched on his nose and a red pen held against the assignment in front of him. He smiles at the sight of Kurogane and puts the pen down, rolling his wrist as he leans back in his chair.

“Kuro-sama-sensei,” Fai says. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“The witch,” Kurogane answers, holding the box up. “She forced me to bring this stuff to you.”

Fai stands up and walks over, peering over the edge of the box at the supply of beakers and Bunsen burners and other objects Kurogane can’t identify. Fai grins at the sight and reaches in to push some things around to see what else he was given.

“Wonderful!” He looks up at Kurogane over the edge of his glasses. “Although you know, she really isn’t so bad. Not bad enough to be called a witch.”

“Of course you’d think so, you’re just as bad as she is,” Kurogane grumbles as he moves past Fai to set the box down on his desk. “Besides, you’re going to lecture me about giving someone nicknames?”

Fai comes up to stand next to Kurogane, setting a hand on Kurogane’s shoulder. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Kuro-pon-sensei,” He says teasingly.

“You really want to die, huh?” Kurogane asks, turning to face Fai so he can properly scowl at him.

“Oh, scary,” Fai says, not even a little phased by Kurogane’s menacing tone. He laughs when Kurogane glares at him. “Thank you for bringing this over. I really needed them for my classes.”

“Stupid witch, treating me like a delivery boy,” Kurogane mumbles lowly as he side-eyes the box.

“Because you’re strong!” Fai says, patting Kurogane’s arm. “Should I give you a tip for delivering it so efficiently? I don’t have any cash… How about a kiss?”

Fai bats his eyes at Kurogane and then laughs at his own teasing. Kurogane, however, takes Fai’s chin in his fingers and tilts Fai’s head up, muffling the sound of his laughter with a kiss. Fai’s voice jumps up in confusion and his body stills in shock. In his chest, Kurogane’s heart is beating furiously against his ribs.

Kurogane has felt something between the two of them since he arrived at Horitsuba. At first, he was sure it was only annoyance. As time went on though, he found that Fai was not horrible to be around. In fact, as he got to know Fai, Kurogane realized that he liked spending time with him, especially when Fai was not putting on an act with tons of teasing and fake smiles. Kurogane isn’t sure when things shifted, when it went from enjoying Fai’s company to wanting to kiss him and never let go. Kurogane is sure that Fai feels the same way. There has been a constant push and pull between the two of them, something that brings them closer and closer until Fai dances away and starts the cycle over again.

Kurogane is rather tired of waiting though. Since it is clear that Fai will not make the first move, Kurogane takes it upon himself.

When Kurogane pulls away and sees Fai’s expression, he worries that he may have interpreted things wrong.

“K-Kuro-sama…?” Fai’s voice is high and thin and trails off with a tremor. The bridge of his nose is growing red under his crooked glasses.

Kurogane clears his throat and lets go of Fai. He glances away, unable to look at Fai’s wide blue eyes any longer. “You offered,” He says gruffly.

Fai blinks, and then forces out a laugh and takes a step back. “So Kuro-sama-sensei can make jokes! Is this payback for all my teasing?” His eyes are shut now, and his smile is wide and plastic.

“You can think what you want,” Kurogane says as he moves to walk past Fai. “I never said I was joking.”

He walks past Fai before he can see Fai’s expression, but he stops at the door when he hears Fai tentatively say, “You’re not…?”

Kurogane does not get nervous very often. He has never been afraid of saying what is on his mind. Now though, he has to take a few deep breaths to calm his racing heart. He turns to look back and finds Fai looking at him, his smile gone and his eyes questioning. “I’m not a kid,” Kurogane tells him. “I’m not going to keep playing games. If there’s something I want, I’ll say it.”

Fai blinks and then smiles sheepishly as he drops his gaze to the floor. “I’m… Not very good at that, I’m afraid. But…” Fai lifts his eyes and he looks at Kurogane with a soft expression that makes Kurogane’s heart jump. “Was that all it took?”

Kurogane blinks. “Huh?” Is all he manages.

Fai lifts a hand to his mouth to stifle his laugh, and Kurogane’s chest feels warm. This is much better than when Fai was looking up at him in fear and shock. “All I had to do was tease you like that to get you to kiss me?” Fai elaborates, and he moves just a bit closer to Kurogane.

The atmosphere in the room shifts. Kurogane follows suit and moves closer as well, and he wonders if his face is as red as Fai’s is. “You could have just asked,” He says, and he can’t help but smile.

“Oh, but Kuro-sama,” Fai says. “Where is the fun in that?”

“You’re an idiot,” Kurogane says, his tone affectionate. 

Fai grins and reaches up, his hands landing softly against Kurogane’s cheeks as their lips come together again. It’s much better the second time, now that Fai is not shocked still against Kurogane. Kurogane’s hands find Fai’s hips, and one of his hands slips to the small of Fai’s back to pull him closer. Kurogane thinks briefly that it is strange how easy and right it feels to kiss Fai.

“Fai-sensei, I was won— _oh!_ ”

The two teachers jump apart and look at the door that they never closed. Sakura is standing there, her eyes wide and her face very, very red. She looks between Kurogane and Fai and then back again.

“Oh!” She squeaks again, holding a hand to her mouth. “I’m very sorry!”

“Oi—“ Kurogane tries to start, but Sakura is running out the door before he can stop her. He groans and hangs his head, cursing, and Fai laughs and pats his shoulder.

“Next time you want to have some fun, you should remember to close the door,” Fai says teasingly.

Kurogane looks over at him, at his slightly crooked glasses and teasing smile and red cheeks. He can’t help but smile, even with what happened. “Next time,” Kurogane says. “Let’s not be in your office.”

\--

There are letters, photos, and small notes covering Fai’s office door. On the floor in front of it are bouquets of flowers. 

Kurogane stares at the small memorial the students have set up. His heart has felt like an open wound, and seeing all of the love the students still have for Fai makes it sting. Still, it is somewhat comforting to know that he is not the only one hurting.

At his feet is a box of Fai’s belongings that Yuuko collected from his office, small trinkets and pictures and a corkboard full of letters and cards from past students. Yuuko has not found a new chemistry teacher yet, but Kurogane knows that it is only a matter of time until that office eventually belongs to someone else.

That office that he spent so much time in, to the point where students would often check there second if they couldn’t find him in his own office. He would often help Fai grade his assignments so that he wouldn’t have to finish them late into the evening. They would share lunch in there together, they’d lock the door and shut the blinds and share kisses. They would just talk, with Kurogane sitting at Fai’s chair and Fai up on his desk with his feet in Kurogane’s lap. They would share stories, vent about something bothering them, laugh over inside jokes. That small room became one of their favorite spaces, a place that felt like theirs, and theirs alone.

Kurogane knows that it is selfish, but he wishes that no one else would take over that office. He doesn’t share that wish, though. He knows it would be in vain if he did.

“The students really love him,” Yuuko says from her spot beside Kurogane. She lifts a cigarette to her lips and lights it, and Kurogane finally looks away from the door so that he can look at her.

“Shouldn’t you do that outside?” He asks, and she shrugs with a small smile.

“Probably,” She says, and Kurogane rolls his eyes and shakes his head and looks back at the door.

A moment passes between them. “I want to come back on Monday,” Kurogane says, his voice low.

From the corner of his eye, Kurogane sees the way Yuuko’s hand stills midair as she lowers the cigarette from her mouth. “You don’t need to,” Yuuko says softly. “I have a substitute. You can take all the time you need.”

“I have,” Kurogane says. “I can’t stand being stuck in that apartment anymore.”

Yuuko nods. She knows better than anyone that it would be pointless to try and dissuade him. “If you’re sure,” She says.

Kurogane nods. “I am,” He affirms.

Only two weeks. Kurogane’s perception of time has been thrown off balance. It feels as if both no time and an eternity has passed since that day. Not two weeks though. Not even a day. It doesn’t feel like tomorrow has come, it doesn’t feel like it will ever come. When he looks at his calendar though, he’s reminded that it won’t stop coming, regardless of how he feels. His grief cannot stop time.

He wishes time could stop for just a little while, just until he feels slightly better. He doesn’t share this wish, either.

“When you have to take all this down,” Kurogane says, his voice quiet. “Give everything to me.”

Yuuko smiles and nods. “Of course.” She pats Kurogane on the shoulder and then turns to walk away. “Get some rest and make sure to eat, Kurogane. I can’t have my teachers setting bad examples.”

For the first time in two weeks, Kurogane smiles. “Who here is a bad example?” He asks.

Yuuko just laughs and waves a hand over her shoulder as she leaves.

\--

Fai stretches his arms over his head and yawns as he steps off the train. Kurogane steps off after him and sticks his finger into Fai’s wide open mouth, and Fai retaliates by biting down on Kurogane’s finger. Fai releases Kurogane and hooks their arms together, his bag hanging off of one shoulder. 

“Lead the way, tour guide!” Fai says, smiling up at Kurogane.

They don’t travel very often, but they had a week long break from school and decided that it would be best if they got out of their tiny apartment. Kurogane suggested visiting his hometown, and Fai forced him to buy the tickets not five minutes later. Everything is the same as Kurogane remembers it, even the way the ocean smells.

“It’s so peaceful here,” Fai says as they walk to their hotel. It’s cloudy, but the weather is only a little bit chilly.

“More like boring,” Kurogane says. He has a special place in his heart for his hometown, but there was never much to do. His family had moved to the city when he was a teenager, when his mother had grown ill and needed proper hospital care. Since then, the town has grown a little, but it is still rather sleepy.

“Seems like the perfect place for you then,” Fai says, smiling up at Kurogane. “You love being quiet and boring.”

“Not being obnoxious isn’t the same as being boring,” Kurogane says, and Fai just laughs and rests his head on Kurogane’s shoulder.

By the time they drop their things off at their hotel, the sun is beginning to set. Fai insists on visiting the beach before the sun sets completely, despite the clouds hiding any good view, so Kurogane leads him there. As soon as they reach the sand, Fai has his shoes off and he is running towards the water. Kurogane rolls his eyes even as he smiles and follows after him.

Fai stops just before the water can reach his toes and looks out over the water. It is grey and rather gloomy looking to Kurogane, but Fai seems to be in love with it. “It’s so beautiful,” Fai says quietly.

“Have you been to the ocean before?” Kurogane asks, and Fai nods.

“Once, when I was a kid,” He says. “I barely remember though.”

Kurogane nods and looks out towards the water. He grew up next to this water, saw and heard it every day of his childhood. Still, he can understand Fai’s adoration; the sight and sound of it is calming, and reminds him of happy times, of playing in the water with his father while his mother watched from her spot on the sand. He looks over at Fai, who seems to be in his own world. Kurogane cannot guess what thoughts are going through Fai’s head, but Fai looks peaceful, and his gaze is soft.

The sun is almost completely set when Fai says something again. “I’d love to live in a place like this.”

“You’d get bored after a month,” Kurogane says. “There isn’t anything to do.”

Fai hums in thought, and then finally looks over at Kurogane with a gentle smile and loving eyes. “Then how about later in life?” He asks, the wind picking up the ends of his hair.

“Later?” Kurogane asks, looking over at him.

Fai nods and looks back out towards the water. “When we’re both old and tired of the big city and only being able to afford a tiny apartment, let’s move here.”

Kurogane pictures it. He can see himself and Fai, living in a small house, enjoying their coffee or afternoon walks with the sounds of the ocean. He can see Fai, standing on the beach, just as he’s doing now, relaxing and healing with the sounds of the waves. He smiles. “Sure. Let’s move here then.”

They never discussed in detail what they would do later in life or where they would go, all Kurogane knew for sure was that he wanted to go through the rest of his life with Fai by his side. The idea of living here with him one day, living a quiet and domestic life near the ocean as his parents had, it has something warm blooming in Kurogane’s chest.

He reaches out and drapes his arm over Fai’s shoulder, and Fai responds by wrapping his arms around Kurogane’s middle. His head comes to rest in its usual spot on Kurogane’s shoulder, and the two stay there until the sun is set and the ocean is dark.

\--

It’s cloudy but it isn’t raining, so Kurogane has the kids play outside on his first day back. Some of them are running around the track, others are playing games, and some have decided to lounge around on the grass. Kurogane doesn’t mind too much. He thinks that they all could deserve a little time to relax. 

On the other side of the field, Kurogane can see into the chemistry room. The classroom sits empty while the students use the now-open period as study hall in the cafeteria until Yuuko can find a replacement. Kurogane can still see Fai’s posters and some of his favorite projects hanging on the walls.

Kurogane can remember the numerous times Fai would catch Kurogane looking at him and throw him a wink or a wave. Sometimes, in the middle of his class, he would even open the window and call out to Kurogane, which would always make all of the students laugh. Every now and then, Fai would let his students play outside with Kurogane’s, and Kurogane would stand next to his window and Fai would lean against the sill as they watched all the students run around together. It was so normal for Kurogane to have Fai nearby in every aspect of his life.

Kurogane thinks he will ask Yuuko to close the blinds so that he won’t have to look into the dark room anymore.

“Kurogane-sensei?”

Kurogane looks down and finds one of his students standing in front of him. She is holding up a yellow dandelion to him. “For me?” Kurogane asks as he takes it from her.

She smiles and nods. “I thought you would like it!” She says.

Kurogane regards it and nods. “I do. Thank you,” He says to her, and then he gestures out to the field. “Now go play with your friends.”

She nods and is about to run off, but she stops herself and turns back to him. “Um, Kurogane-sensei?” She asks, and he raises his brow. “My mom told me that Fai-sensei is in a better place. Is that true?”

Something sharp stabs Kurogane through the heart, and he has to look away from her hopeful eyes. She is too young to worry about such things, Kurogane thinks. Despite what he has been told, he believes that here is the best place for Fai, by Kurogane’s side, surrounded by all of the students that loved him and looked up to him. He doesn’t know if there is an afterlife, but even if there is, he doesn’t believe that it is “better”. He can’t bring himself to, as much as he wishes he could. Not when Fai could still be here.

For her sake though, Kurogane says, “Yeah. He is.”

The girl smiles. “Then we shouldn’t be sad!” She seems to notice that something is wrong though, because a moment later she tilts her head and asks, “Kurogane-sensei?”

“You should go play before the period ends,” Kurogane tells her, his voice gruff and tight. “Thanks for the flower.”

She smiles and nods and turns to run away, and Kurogane stares down at the dandelion for a long time. He eventually places it on his clipboard to keep safe until it withers away.

\--

Kurogane wakes up to a soft scratching against his chest. When he manages to open his eyes, he finds Fai hovering over him with a big smile on his face.

“What the hell?” Kurogane asks groggily, his voice thick and rough from sleep.

“It’s snowing!” Fai says in a hushed tone, as if he’s trying to keep quiet even though they’re both already awake.

Kurogane blinks once, waiting for the punchline. “And?” He asks when nothing else comes.

“And it’s the first snow of the year!” Fai says, hitting Kurogane’s chest. “Let’s go outside!”

Kurogane blindly reaches out for his phone and yanks it towards himself. “It’s two in the morning,” He says as he drops his phone into the sheets. “Go to sleep, it’ll be there tomorrow.”

“Please Kuro-sama!” Fai pleads. He gets close to Kurogane’s face and sticks out his lower lip. “Please come play in the snow with me.”

Kurogane rolls his eyes and looks away from Fai’s big eyes. They have a way of persuading him like nothing else can. “You’re just gonna keep bothering me, aren’t you?”

“Very probable,” Fai responds with a grin.

Kurogane shakes his head and pushes Fai off of him so that he can sit up. “Fine. But I’m not staying out there for longer than ten minutes.”

Fai cheers and rushes off to get their winter coats and boots. The two get dressed and Fai wraps one of his scarves around Kurogane’s neck and shoves a hat on Kurogane’s head. Kurogane grumbles as he pushes the hat up his head so his vision isn’t obscured, and pulls the hat on Fai’s head down in retaliation, making the blond whine.

When the two are ready, they venture out of their apartment building. As soon as they step outside, they are met with the steady fall of snowflakes. There are already a few inches building on the ground, and Fai begins stomping in the fresh layer of white to leave footprints. Kurogane kicks some of the snow with the toe of his shoe, and then he grunts when a snowball hits his arm.

Fai is grinning and holding another snowball when he looks up, and he raises a brow. “You really want to do this?” Kurogane asks with a menacing grin.

Fai just throws his second snowball, hitting Kurogane in the chest, before turning to take cover behind a streetlight. Kurogane chuckles lowly and bends down to make his own snowballs, but when he stands up, another one hits him right in the face. He hears Fai’s uncontrollable laughter and when the snow falls from his face, he sees that Fai is doubled over. Kurogane grins, but it is menacing, his teeth bared as his eye twitches just a bit.

“Okay, fine,” He says as he runs towards Fai, who finally stops laughing and instead squeals and turns to run away. 

Kurogane catches Fai by the arm and pulls him to his chest before he shoves the snow in his hand onto the top of Fai’s head. Fai cries out and attempts to escape, twisting them both until their feet slip on the snow and they tumble to the ground. Kurogane pushes himself off of Fai and looks down at the blond, who is laying facedown underneath him.

“Oi, you okay?” Kurogane asks.

Fai’s hair is covered in snow, his hat having slipped off in the scuffle, and when he rolls over Kurogane is worried that he may actually be angry at him from the way he narrows his eyes at Kurogane. Kurogane opens his mouth to say something, but his words are muffled when a handful of fresh snow is shoved past his lips. He pushes himself away and spits the snow out, and then is given a shock when another handful of snow is pressed against the back of his neck and pushed down the inside of his shirt.

Fai’s laughter sounds like bells in Kurogane’s ear as he runs away, and Kurogane can’t help but grin, even with snow falling down his back, as he gets up to chase after him.

They end up staying outside for much longer than ten minutes, and when they return to their apartment, their hair is soaking wet and their noses are red from the cold. Although Fai wants to fall into bed, Kurogane pushes him into the bathroom to take a quick hot shower. When they do crawl back into bed, Fai snuggles close to Kurogane’s side, his hair damp against Kurogane’s shoulder.

“Thanks for playing with me,” Fai says, and Kurogane shrugs as he wraps an arm around Fai’s shoulders.

“Not like you would have let me say no,” Kurogane says, and Fai shifts so that he can look at Kurogane.

“You had fun too, Kuro-pon,” He says, and Kurogane can’t help but grin.

“Yeah, it was pretty fun to shove snow in your face,” Kurogane says, and Fai responds by slapping his chest and settling back into his position to sleep.

The next morning, Kurogane wakes up sniffling, and Fai apologizes more than once for forcing him out in the snow. Kurogane waves him off and assures him that it’s nothing more than a head cold.

Even if it were more than a simple cold, having fun with Fai made it more than worth it. 

\--

There is a packaged lunch sitting on Kurogane’s desk when he arrives at school. He stills and his stomach lurches. The container isn’t right—not nearly bright enough. It’s enough to bring memories back though, back to when he and Fai had begun dating, before they had moved in together. Fai would often arrive before Kurogane to prep for his classes, and Kurogane often found lunches waiting for him. It got to the point where Kurogane stopped bringing his own food altogether.

Since they had moved into one apartment though, Fai hadn’t needed to leave food for Kurogane, as he could prepare it and give it to him at home. It’s a familiar sight Kurogane hasn’t seen in quite a while.

Kurogane finally manages to step deeper into his office and pluck off the note attached to the container. 

_If you don’t eat this, you’re fired — Yuuko_

Kurogane snorts and falls into his chair, staring at the note. He rolls his eyes and drops it onto his desk. He peeks into the lunchbox, finds a simple meal of grilled chicken and rice. He shuts the lid and leans back in his chair. He supposes that he really should eat. He needs to.

Try as he might though, he can’t help the way his stomach turns when he tries. The way he feels nauseous when he tries to chew, the force it takes to get himself to swallow. Had he been like this when his mother died? His father? Kurogane can’t remember well enough. Things were different back then. He was different, prone to violent fits of anger in his grief rather than… whatever it is he feels now.

Kurogane takes his phone out and sends a quick text of gratitude to Yuuko. Even if she can be insufferable at times, it is obvious that she cares and worries for him. He might as well acknowledge that.

_Don’t think I’m joking_

Kurogane rolls his eyes at the response that comes quickly and shoves his phone back into his pocket. He pops the container into the small refrigerator he keeps in his office and leaves a note for himself to remember to take it home so that Yuuko does not find it still full when she snoops around later.

\--

Stars are reflecting in Fai’s eyes like they would on a still lake. His gaze shifts every now and then to find a new constellation. Despite the fire in front of him, he still has a blanket wrapped tightly around his shoulders. Kurogane isn’t sure how Fai can be so cold all the time, but he has extra blankets just in case.

Fai blinks and looks over at Kurogane, raising a brow. “What is it?” He asks, tilting his head. His hair has grown too long but he is too lazy to get it cut, so instead it is twisted into a bun on his head. Kurogane promised him that if he didn’t get it cut within the next week, Kurogane would cut it himself.

Kurogane shrugs. “Just admiring the view.”

Fai smiles, amused, and looks back up at the sky. Under the warm glow of the fire, Kurogane can see pink spread across the bridge of Fai’s nose. “Please, Kuro-sama,” Fai replies. “What if the deer overhear you?”

The two are camping for their anniversary, something Kurogane did often as a child and that Fai has never done. They’re on a common camping ground—with all the people that frequent the area, Kurogane isn’t sure if any wild animals would be nearby. There aren’t very many people camping tonight though, and they had been able to find an empty area without anyone close by. Surrounded by trees and under a clear sky, it feels like they found their own little secluded forest.

“They’d probably agree,” Kurogane says, quirking a brow. Fai laughs at that. Kurogane likes the sound.

Fai doesn’t retort, but Kurogane can tell that he is trying to keep from smiling. Kurogane chuckles and gets up to quickly crawl into their tent. He comes back with a bottle of wine and two cups. He pours Fai’s some, and Fai takes it with a grateful smile. He sits close to Fai, close enough that their shoulders are touching, and the two drink in silence. Fai continues staring at the sky.

“It’s been a long time,” Fai says quietly eventually. At Kurogane’s questioning look, Fai throws him a sidelong glance. “Since we met. Since we started dating.”

Kurogane nods. “Seven years since we met. Six since we started dating.” Such a long time, yet it feels like almost no time has passed.

“I still remember our first date,” Fai says, smiling. “When Kuro-tan stepped on my shoe and broke it.”

“I’m still convinced that you planned that so I’d have to carry you,” Kurogane says, and he finishes off his cup of wine. When he goes to pour more, Fai holds out his own cup expectantly.

“Oh Kuro-sama, I’m sure there were much easier ways to get you to carry me,” Fai says with a smirk before he lifts his newly filled cup to his lips. “But it did get you into my apartment, so I suppose that it did work out in my favor.”

Kurogane snorts at the memory. Their date had been cut short by Fai’s broken shoe, the pavement too hot for him to walk on and no stores nearby for him to buy a new pair. So Kurogane had carried him home, and the two ended up having a date in his apartment, ordering food and watching television. By the end of the night, they had binged watched half of Kurogane’s favorite anime and were falling asleep against each other on the couch. When they woke up, Kurogane didn’t argue when Fai insisted that it was too late for him to go home and that he should just stay the night there. 

“I knew it, getting me into bed was all you cared about back then,” Kurogane jokes, and Fai grins.

“Oh, I thought that was obvious,” He says, and then he leans against Kurogane’s shoulder and opens his mouth in a fake, exaggerated moan. _“Oh, Kuro-puu, Kuro—!”_

Kurogane’s hand over Fai’s mouth muffles his voice, and Fai looks up at Kurogane with big eyes. “One thing that won’t change is how annoying you can be,” Kurogane says. To anyone that didn’t know them, they would probably think Kurogane was being mean. Both of them know that there is more affection behind Kurogane’s words than anything.

Fai licks at Kurogane’s hand, and Kurogane yanks it away. “If I wasn’t, I just wouldn’t be me,” He says.

Kurogane chuckles lowly. “Got that right.”

Silence falls between them again. Fai stays against Kurogane’s shoulder, and the two slowly work their way through the bottle of wine. Fai is staring into the fire now, the warm flames dancing in his eyes. Sometimes Kurogane worries when Fai is quiet for too long, when he thinks too much. Fai’s biggest enemies were his own dark thoughts, after all. Tonight though, Fai looks peaceful and content, so Kurogane does not worry. Just looks up at the sky, exactly the same as it has always been yet still so beautiful.

Fai takes in a breath, and Kurogane glances down at him. “I’m really happy I met you, Kuro-sama,” Fai says quietly. He smiles. “I’m happy I have someone like you as my best friend.”

Best friend. Kurogane had never heard Fai say those words before, he had never said them himself. Thinking about it though, it is a fitting description. They’ve been described as a lot of things—lovers, boyfriends, Yuuko jokingly called them husbands. Best friends though… That seemed to encapsulate everything their relationship is.

“Yeah,” Kurogane says. “Me too.”

For the rest of the night, the two talk about random things, reminisce, finish two more bottles of wine. They crawl into their tent tipsy, warm, and laughing.

\--

Kurogane closes the door to his apartment a little more forcefully than necessary. He takes a deep breath and kicks off his shoes and walks to the kitchen.

It is a bad day. Nothing Kurogane tried to do could stop it.

Everything reminded him of Fai. He could hardly stand being surrounded by students and other teachers all day. He knows they are grieving like he is—maybe not the young students that didn’t know Fai very well, but almost everyone else. Still, he could hardly look at them all. They don’t understand, not really. Maybe Yuuko, but she is different, the rest were… Acquaintances, maybe casual friends, nothing more. They don’t understand, they don’t know, and Kurogane feels so angry and confused and—

He is just hungry, he tells himself. He grabs some things to make himself a quick snack. He blinks his itchy eyes, tries to still his shaking hands, tries to stop his racing thoughts.

Why hadn’t Fai just talked to him? Why had he suffered alone when Kurogane had been there, _right there?_ How long beforehand had he made his decision, when did he write that note, how long had he gone through his life as if everything were normal while planning on dying?

Why didn’t he just _say_ something?

Kurogane’s eyes are wet and his breaths are quick and he cannot hold the knife in his hand. He drops it and sweeps his arm over the counter in anger, confusion, sadness, he isn’t quite sure anymore. Food hits the wall, a glass jar shatters on the floor. He digs the heels of his palms into his eyes and steps back until he feels the wall.

He hasn’t felt like this in a long time. Not since his mother died. He wants to yell, to scream, to tear apart everything, to burn down the entire building if that’s what it will take to get this pain out of his chest. He is older now though, he knows that none of that will really help. Nothing will help this.

Kurogane slides down the wall until he is sitting on the floor. His arms drape limp over his knees and his head hangs. The breath he takes in and lets out is shaky, and he can’t do much to stop the tears that spill down his cheeks. It feels like there is hardly anything in his control anymore.

Kurogane had not been a stranger to Fai’s inner demons, to his mental illness and the pain he felt. Through the many years together, Fai had come to be open about it with Kurogane. Even if he did not explicitly explain what he was feeling, he would not hide away when those feelings came. And there had been times when Kurogane did worry for Fai, worried that Fai would fall so deep in into that black hole that seemed to dwell in his heart that he couldn’t climb back out. Kurogane stayed close to Fai during those times, never left him alone, always made sure to know that he was loved, even if he didn’t love himself. But Fai always got better, always assured Kurogane that even during those times, he shouldn’t worry.

 _“Sometimes I think about it,”_ Fai had admitted to him once, when Kurogane had expressed his concerns. _“But all I have to do is think of you, and Yuuko, and everyone. I think of you all and that feeling goes away.”_

Kurogane still worried. No matter how often Fai reassured him, he couldn’t help but worry.

Kurogane thinks back to before it happened, the month before, even just the week before. The night before, Fai had not been able to sleep, but that was not so strange of him. Everything had seemed so… Normal. Fai had seemed fine. Healthy. Happy, for the most part. How had the pain grown so deep that Fai succumbed to it without anything seeming out of place? Or had Kurogane grown so used to it that he had not been able to notice? To really see how Fai was feeling? He should have stayed home that day, should have listened to the worry in his gut and never left Fai alone. He should have seen. He should have never gone.

Kurogane’s fist connects with the wall behind him, denting it. He curses and hits his fist against the floor this time, again and again until his hand is numb.

He knows it isn't so simple. He knows that it sounds easy, to tell someone to share their feelings, to let someone else in, to seek help, but for Fai, it was anything but. Not once he had reached that point, not once he had finally fallen into that black hole. Kurogane still can't help but ask though. Can't help but wonder.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asks aloud, his voice thin and trembling.

As usual, there is no answer. Kurogane still isn’t used to it yet.

\--

Kurogane stirs. There’s a tickling feeling on his chest, and he grunts as he reaches up to push it away, still half-asleep. He hears a quiet laugh above him, and the tickling returns. Kurogane is pulled more from sleep, he manages to crack his eyes open. He blinks blearily and finds Fai, propped on one elbow and hovering above Kurogane, looking down at him. The tickling is Fai’s finger, tracings patterns along Kurogane’s skin. The curtains are open and light from a street lamp outside is streaming in, illuminating Fai's face. Fai smiles when he sees Kurogane’s eyes open, his hair spilling over one shoulder.

“What’re you doing?” Kurogane asks, reaching up to rub at his eyes. His voice is low and rough from sleep. He supposes that at this point, he should be used to Fai waking him up in the middle of the night.

Fai shrugs and looks at where his hand is tracing along Kurogane’s skin. “Enjoying the view.”

“You should be sleeping,” Kurogane says, frowning. It’s still dark out, but Kurogane knows that the sun will be rising soon. 

“Can’t sleep,” Fai replies. He’s quiet for a moment. “It's too late for me to take a sleeping pill. I might call in sick tomorrow.”

Kurogane furrows his brows in concern. Fai almost never calls in sick—once, Kurogane had to take the rest of the day off to carry Fai home when the idiot tried to teach with a fever and just about fainted. Fai's eyes are naturally a little sad looking, like a stray puppy, but he doesn’t have _that_ look in his eyes that Kurogane is familiar with. He isn’t avoiding Kurogane. He just keeps drawing on Kurogane’s chest, but Kurogane still worries.

Fai seems to notice, and he smiles and lays his palm flat against Kurogane’s chest. “Don’t worry, Kuro-sama. I just don’t want to be falling asleep in front of the kids.”

Kurogane rubs a hand up Fai’s back, rests it against the nape of Fai’s neck. “But are you… okay?” Kurogane asks.

Fai appears to understand the weight of Kurogane’s question, despite its simplicity. The smile slips away and he looks away, although in thought. Kurogane never knows what is going on in Fai’s head, even after so many years together. Sometimes, Kurogane feels like Fai thinks too much.

Fai eventually blinks and smiles softly, his gaze gentle when it meets Kurogane’s again and he nods. Kurogane raises a brow, and Fai whispers, “Yes.”

Kurogane regards him for another moment, and then nods. He supposes he doesn't have a reason to not believe Fai, even if he is a little worried. Fai isn't faking a smile, isn't pulling away and hiding from Kurogane. His gaze seems raw, soft, and loving. Fai leans down and presses a kiss to Kurogane’s lips. Kurogane’s hand slips from Fai’s neck to his back, where it rubs small circles. Fai eventually pulls away, but he keeps his face close to Kurogane’s, his hair brushing against Kurogane’s cheek.

“Thanks,” Fai says, and Kurogane quirks his brows up in question. “For always worrying and caring about me so much,” Fai elaborates, smiling.

Kurogane smiles, one of his softer more reserved smiles that he only shares with Fai. “If I didn’t, who would keep you out of trouble?”

Fai lets out a huff of a laugh and nods. “It’s why you’re such a great teacher. I think Kuro-sama would make an amazing father, too.” His eyes flit over Kurogane’s face, over each of his features. “You know I love you, right?” He asks suddenly, his voice barely above a whisper.

Kurogane’s smile slips away and he raises a brow in confusion at the question. “Yeah, of course,” He says. “What’s up?”

Fai shakes his head, smiling. “I just want to make sure you’ll always remember that. Even if we’re not together, I want to make sure you remember that I love you so much, Kuro-sama.”

“When are we ever not together?” Kurogane asks, and Fai laughs quietly.

“Even when we’re just apart so we can teach our classes,” Fai says, his eyes shining. “Even when you’re in the bathroom.”

Kurogane snorts and shuts his eyes. “You’re an idiot.”

Fai plants a wet kiss on Kurogane’s cheek and then finally lies down, his head resting on Kurogane’s shoulder. His finger goes back to tracing on Kurogane’s chest. “You’ll always love me too, right Kuro-sama?”

“Ah, geez,” Kurogane groans.

“Kuro-tan is so mean to me,” Fai says. “He can’t even say that he loves me! Why do I put up with it?”

Kurogane pulls gently on a Fai’s hair. “Idiot. Do I have to say it? You already know.”

Kurogane can feel Fai’s smile against his skin. “Yeah,” Fai whispers. “I do.”

Kurogane isn’t sure if Fai ended up falling asleep at all because he’s already awake when Kurogane wakes up again later that morning. Fai is sitting up, staring out the window at the sunrise, but at Kurogane’s movement, he turns and smiles at him, and there are dark bags under his eyes.

Kurogane calls Yuuko for Fai to let her know that Fai will be staying home, and Fai laughs when they begin bickering and Kurogane hangs up on her out of annoyance. Kurogane tries to push Fai back into bed, but Fai insists on making Kurogane some food at least. Kurogane eats the breakfast Fai makes and takes his lunch and begins to leave.

“Don’t yell at the kids too much,” Fai says as he walks Kurogane to the door.

“No promises,” Kurogane replies as he shoves his shoes on. He looks at Fai, at his little smile and gentle, loving, sad eyes. Kurogane wonders if Fai realizes just how expressive his eyes are. He hesitates, something akin to worry gnawing in his gut. "Are you sure you don't want me to stay with you?"

Fai nods. "I'm just going to sleep," He says softly.

Kurogane lets out a small _hmph_ and ruffles Fai's hair, earning him a playful whine. “Okay, I'll hold you to that. I have a parent conference after school ends, but I’ll see you after that.”

Fai smiles. “Have a good day, Kuro-sama.”

Kurogane nods, gives Fai a quick kiss, and leaves the apartment. He looks back at the closed door once, tempted to call in sick himself so he can stay by Fai's side. He shakes his head and begins his walk to work. He often worries for nothing, Fai has told him many times. Today is probably no different.

When he returns, the apartment is deathly quiet, and Fai is already gone.

\--

Kurogane wakes with a gasp, his skin cold from sweat. He sits up and takes a gulp of air. He lets it out as steady as he can, then runs a hand through his damp hair. He looks at his phone.

4:08am.

Officially one month.

Kurogane throws his phone onto the table and stands up. He knows he won’t be falling back asleep, so he goes to the bathroom to splash water on his face.

He tries to tell himself that it is another day, just the tomorrow of yesterday and the yesterday of tomorrow. He can barely breathe though, and he feels like he is going to be sick. He tries to brush his teeth, but his hands are shaking and he can hardly stand up straight. He drops his toothbrush and grips the counter, hunches forward and squeezes his eyes shut.

He turns the faucet off with a yank and turns out of the bathroom. He doesn’t bother to change out of his pajamas, just throws a jacket on and shoves his feet into his shoes. He hardly remembers to grab his keys before he leaves the apartment. He’s suffocating, and he needs fresh air.

It’s still dark out, the sky just barely beginning to turn purple from the soon to be rising sun. He starts walking without a destination, without paying attention to where he is going. He feels like he is back to that day, and he needs a distraction from his own thoughts, from his own memories.

Kurogane hasn’t read Fai’s note since that day, yet he can’t forget the words. He had wanted to tear it up, to burn the pieces until there wasn't even ash left. He couldn't bring himself to, though. As painful as it was, he had been holding Fai's last words in his hands. He would never destroy them. He couldn't. So instead, it sits hidden in a drawer. He can still clearly see it though, see Fai’s slanted handwriting and the wrinkles in it from his own shaking hands as he struggled to read it.

_I’m really tired. I couldn’t fix what was wrong. I tried to, I lived because that’s what I had to do, because that’s what everyone did. I’m exhausted._

Kurogane shakes his head and begins walking a bit quicker. He tries to focus on the sounds of the birds waking up, the chill of the air. Anything but that day. He begins running. His throat is tight and he can scarcely breathe, but he keeps running, tries to focus on that pain instead.

_This pain won’t go away. Even though I’ve been so happy, it won’t go away. That’s it really. I know it doesn’t feel like enough, like there needs to be more to it. There isn’t._

The sun is halfway risen and Kurogane finds himself in a park. He collapses in front of a pond, his whole body shuddering as he tries desperately to gulp in air. His hands curl into fists on the ground, digging up grass and dirt. He sees himself in the surface of the water in front of him and he squeezes his eyes shut.

_I’m sorry. I know you can’t be happy, but I hope you won’t blame me._

Kurogane wants to scream, but he slams his fists onto the ground instead. That _idiot…_ How could Kurogane ever blame him? He wishes he could have just five minutes with him again, just to tell him that it isn’t his fault. 

Kurogane wishes for many things. He wishes Fai were still here, by his side. He wishes he had skipped that damned parent conference, that he had noticed something was wrong, that he had stayed home, that he had just stayed by Fai’s side. He wishes he for a way to go back in time, to just one day before. He wishes for Fai.

He _wishes…_

“Oh, hello there Kurogane.”

Kurogane starts and sits up straight, looking around. He turns his head back and forth—he knows that voice, but he can’t find her anywhere.

He hears a chuckle in front of him, and very slowly he looks back at the water in front of him. He leans forward and looks down and finds… Yuuko. It looks like some sort of image or projection, glowing slightly around the edges. She is standing in a cluttered room, full of things Kurogane can't name and is that a _sword_ behind her? She looks the same, but different. Her hair is done up with butterfly pins, her glasses are gone, and she’s wearing a long black dress with flowing sleeves. She's looking at Kurogane with the same expectant red eyes that he's become very familiar with.

Kurogane blinks and sits back on his heels. “I’ve lost it,” He mutters to himself as he runs a hand through his hair.

“Oh no, not yet,” The image of Yuuko replies.

Kurogane snorts. “Yeah, because I should listen to my hallucination of my boss.”

Yuuko smiles, and that is painfully the same even though she seems so different. “Hmm? I’d never want you to work for me, you would be an awful employee” She says, and Kurogane narrows his eyes at her. “You’re thinking of the Yuuko of your world. You and I have never met, Kurogane. Although I have met some _wonderful_ other versions of you.”

Kurogane’s mouth opens and closes a few times in his search for words. Finally, he stutters out, “Versions… My world… _What?”_

Yuuko lifts a brow in that smug way of hers. “You didn’t really think that yours was the only world that existed, did you?” She asks, and Kurogane just stares at her in disbelief. “There are more worlds than you can count, my dear Kurogane. Some just like yours, some vastly different. And across all those worlds are many versions of you, of your students, of Fai.”

Something in Kurogane’s stomach lurches at Fai’s name. He feels dizzy, and he shuts his eyes and shakes his head. He can hear what she’s saying, but he cannot process it. “So you’re from another… World?” He asks, and she nods. “Then how are you… here? Why are you here? On a pond?”

“Well, the pond was just the closest medium to you,” Yuuko says. “As for why, you must have called me here. As for how, I would figure through magic.”

Kurogane blinks, narrows his eyes. “But I didn’t… _call_ you here, you just… appeared. And I don’t have… Magic isn’t…”

“Magic isn’t real?” Yuuko finishes, quirking her brow up. “No, not in your world.”

Kurogane furrows his brows. Seems like across every dimension, she’s just as annoying. “So then how could I possibly call you here?”

“I own a shop,” Yuuko says, and her voice is softer than before. “A shop where people come to have their wishes granted, for a price. You must have been wishing for something with all your might to reach me. That is a powerful kind of magic too, that comes from deep within the heart.”

Kurogane sees Fai’s smile, his sparkling eyes. “Yeah,” He says. “Yeah, there’s something I wish for. I want…” He pauses, and Yuuko waits patiently. “I want Fai back. I want him here, somehow. I just…” He swallows the knot in his throat. “I want him.”

Yuuko regards Kurogane sympathetically. “That is a wish I cannot grant,” She says solemnly. Kurogane glares at her and opens his mouth to yell, but she shakes her head. “You are not the only one who has ever felt this pain, Kurogane, and you will not be the last. No matter how badly you may wish for it though, once someone has passed, they cannot be brought back.”

Kurogane shakes his head, searches for something else. “Then… Then let me go back in time! Let me have a chance to stop him, something, just—“

“That wish cannot be granted,” Yuuko interrupts, and Kurogane swipes his hand through the water. Her image ripples, but she looks unfazed. 

Kurogane swallows thickly. “There’s… nothing?” He asks. He sounds pathetic, but he’s too tired to care. He looks at her pleadingly. “What about… What about one of those other Fai’s you’ve met. If there are so many worlds then send me to one with him or bring him here or—or something… Anything…”

“I’m sorry, Kurogane,” Yuuko says softly. “It is never easy to lose your soulmate, regardless of how many versions of you two there are.”

Kurogane lets out a huff that is almost a laugh. “Soulmate, huh?”

Yuuko nods. “Regardless of the world, the time, the different lives, you and Fai are fated for one another. Sometimes you two have your happy ending, sometimes you don’t. Sometimes, you never even cross paths.”

“So there could be a thousand Fais out there with no Kurogane,” Kurogane responds. _Like I have no Fai,_ he thinks before he can stop himself. “Can’t I just… Can’t you…”

“I could,” Yuuko says, and Kurogane looks at her. “And I’m sure you two would fall in love as you two always do. But he would not have the same memories, he wouldn’t have the exact same feelings. They share the same soul, but their lives are vastly different. He would not be your Fai, Kurogane. Simply a replacement.”

Kurogane hangs his head. “You’re a pain in the ass witch in every world,” He mutters, and Yuuko laughs.

“So I’ve been told,” She responds. Kurogane wants to smile, but he can’t bring himself to.

“Nothing I can do,” He says, more to himself than to Yuuko. “I just have to… get used to it.”

“Life is full of greetings and farewells,” Yuuko says. “Happiness and sadness. An endless cycle. If you dwell only on the sorrow though, it isn’t much of a life.”

“Don’t seem to remember how to do anything else,” Kurogane says, because it’s true. Before, he had been the one to preach that sentiment. Focusing on the past holds you back from today, from tomorrow. Try as he might though, he is stuck on that day one month ago. Tomorrow has come again and again, but he is still there.

Yuuko shuts her eyes, and silence falls between them. “Kurogane,” Yuuko eventually says, and he looks at her, exhausted. He’s sure he must look pitiful. “There is nothing I can do to change what has happened. However, in seeing your grief, I believe that you would benefit from a task I want to ask of you.”

Kurogane furrows his brows. “A task?” He asks. 

Yuuko nods. “Recently, someone had a request of me, for me to take a child out of a dangerous world and give them an opportunity for a better and safer life.”

Kurogane blinks, and then raises his brows. “What, do you want me to adopt a kid? Me?”

Yuuko smiles. “Shocking, I know, but you do not have to say yes. It is entirely your decision. But should you choose to take this responsibility upon yourself, should you change your entire life in order to help this child, in return you will receive something, just as you would if you had paid me for a wish of your own. You’ll receive an opportunity.”

“An opportunity for what?” Kurogane asks, slowly.

“A second chance. To save the life of your most precious person.”

\--

“Ah, the bliss of youth,” Fai sighs as they walk along a path through the park. It’s a perfect day outside, sunny but not too hot, and children are taking advantage of it. Fai is holding an iced coffee in one hand and Kurogane’s arm with the other. They weren’t going to spend their day cooped up inside either. 

“Want to go join them?” Kurogane asks, tilting his chin up towards the kids on the slides.

Fai nudges his side. “I think they might get a little scared by a random guy trying to play with them.”

Kurogane chuckles and shakes his head, and the two continue their leisurely walk. Sometimes they have to stop for kids running past from one grassy area to the next, but they don’t mind. Some of their younger students are there too, and wave excitedly when they see Fai and Kurogane walking by.

Kurogane halts abruptly when a kid runs in front of them and trips on the pavement path. He falls back onto his butt, revealing his scratched knee, and immediately begins crying. Fai looks flustered, and kneels down to desperately try and comfort the child.

“It isn’t that bad!” Fai tries to tell him. “It’s only a little scratch!”

This seems to only make the child more upset. Fai’s hands hover uselessly in front of him, unsure of what to do, and Kurogane sighs. 

“Oi,” Kurogane says, and Fai looks up at him with wide eyes. Kurogane kneels beside Fai and puts his hand on the kid’s hair, ruffling it lightly. The child looks up at him, sniffling. “Enough crying, it isn’t that bad. Besides, you look way too strong to let such a small scratch hurt you so much.”

Kurogane smiles, and the boy smiles hesitantly back. Kurogane puts his hands under the boy’s arms and lifts him up, then ruffles his hair one more time. The child wipes away his tears and gives Kurogane a big thanks before he runs off again, completely fine.

Kurogane stands straight and looks down at Fai, who is still kneeling and looking at where the kid ran off to. “Come on,” Kurogane says, and Fai looks up at him in disbelief.

“How did you do that?” He asks, and Kurogane quirks up a brow before bending over and grabbing Fai’s hand to lift him up.

“I didn’t do anything,” Kurogane says, shrugging. “He just needed to be told that he was fine.”

Fai gives a small scoff of a laugh. “I can never make kids feel better, not when they’re crying like that. Kuro-sama is a natural father!”

“Shut up,” Kurogane says, shutting his eyes. “It isn’t that hard. You just try too hard.”

“Maybe,” Fai says as the two continue their walk. “But that doesn’t change the fact that Kuro-sama is naturally good at handling kids! Is what why you became a teacher?”

Kurogane thinks for a moment, and then shrugs. “I don’t know. Just seemed like a job with good pay and benefits.”

Fai regards Kurogane for a moment and then seems to read something on Kurogane’s face, because he coos and leans into Kurogane’s side for emphasis. “You can’t fool me; I know you care so much about every kid you meet!” He clings to Kurogane’s arm again and looks up at him. “You’d be a great father.”

Kurogane looks at the kids playing around them. “Don’t really think about it.”

Fai tilts his head. “Never?”

“Maybe when I was younger,” Kurogane says, shrugging. “When I was a little kid, I wanted a family like my own, with a kid that took after me to raise. As I got older, I had more important things to focus on.” He gives Fai a sidelong glance. “Like keeping you in check.”

Fai laughs and sips at his coffee. “Maybe that’s why I never wanted kids. I can barely even take care of myself, I think I’d go crazy if I had a kid running around.”

“You never thought you wanted kids?” Kurogane asks, looking down at the blond.

“Nope,” Fai says lightly. “Kids are a lot to handle. And I’d be scared of doing something wrong, or them getting sick… It’s a lot of responsibility.”

Kurogane nods. He understands why Fai would have that fear—his own twin died of an illness. “You’d be a good dad though,” Kurogane says offhandedly, and Fai looks up at him with wide eyes. “You’d figure things out. No one is perfect at it.”

Fai blinks and looks away, at the playground. “Well, I don’t really need my own now. It’s like I have hundreds of kids at Horitsuba!”

Kurogane snorts. “That’s the truth.”

They don’t discuss having kids much after that. It isn’t something either of them see in their future, although sometimes the idea of it is fun to imagine. It only is an idea, though.

\--

Kurogane sits on the train, looking down at a picture of himself and Fai. It is from when they first started dating, all those years ago. They both so young—Fai’s hair is shorter, Kurogane’s skin is smoother, but other than that, they don’t look much different. Still, it feels like a lifetime ago. 

He thinks back to his conversation with Yuuko. Part of him still thinks he has gone crazy, especially because he is actually doing what she told him to.

 _“Why do I have to go to an orphanage to get the kid? You can’t just send him to me?”_ Kurogane had asked her.

 _“He is no longer in my hands,”_ She replied. _“He arrived in your world over a month ago.”_

_“Over a…”_

_“He was not sent to your world on purpose. The ones that requested I send him to a different world could not afford the payment to send him to a specific world, they could only afford to specify that it is a world in which he would be safe. It happened to be yours.”_

_“What a coincidence.”_

_“There is no such things as coincidence. Only fate.”_

The town he is in isn’t much different than his hometown, but that can be expected since it is in the same province. He can hear the nearby water. When he was a child, the ocean hadn’t meant much to him. Now, it calms him a bit.

He finds the orphanage. It’s not very big, but Kurogane imagines that not many kids would be sent to one in such a small town. He looks back down at the picture once more, at Fai and his smile, and then he shoves it into his pocket and steps through the door.

A bell rings at the door opening and closing. Kurogane finds himself in an entryway with a staircase in front of him. The house smells like cinnamon and old wood. He sees what looks like a front office to his left, so he steps into it, looking around.

“Can I help you?”

Kurogane startles and turns. There is a woman standing behind him, wiping her hands on an apron around her waist. She doesn’t look old by any means, but Kurogane suspects that she is a few years older than he is.

“Uh…” Kurogane swallows, and she looks at him expectantly. How do you even ask to adopt a kid? “I heard there was a kid here? For adoption? A-A kid for adoption?”

Kurogane knows Fai would be trying and failing to stifle his laughter at Kurogane’s awkwardness if he were here. He can practically hear it.

The woman looks him up and down. “You’re interested in adopting him?” She asks tentatively.

“Apparently,” Kurogane says, and at her frown, he quickly clarifies, “Yes, I am.”

“You know it isn’t simple,” She says. “It isn’t like adopting a dog from a shelter.”

“I know,” Kurogane says.

“What do you do?” She asks.

“I’m a teacher,” He says. “At Horitsuba in—“

“Oh!” Her face immediately lightens up. “I attended Horitsuba. Years ago, of course. Is Yuuko still the headmistress?” At Kurogane’s nod, the girl looks him over again with a different look in her eyes. “Well, Yuuko would never hire someone she didn’t trust… Come this way.”

She leads Kurogane out of the room. As they walk towards the back of the house, she introduces herself as Rika. She also explains that the child is very shy and can’t speak their language. No one knows where he came from.

 _Another world,_ Kurogane thinks.

“He has learned a little bit in the last month, but not much,” She tells him. “Just be patient with him. He’s just barely opened up to me, so he might be scared. He’s playing in here.”

They approach a door, and Kurogane’s stomach is in knots. She opens the door to a room full of toys and games. Kurogane knows, deep in his heart, what he will see.

Still, when he sees the blond child sitting on the floor holding a stuffed dragon in his hands, something in his chest clenches.

Big blue eyes look up, the same eyes, the same corn silk hair. He’s skinny, but his cheeks are still chubby with youth. He looks exactly the same as in Fai’s pictures from his childhood.

Rika steps closer and gestures to Kurogane. “This nice man wanted to meet you,” She tells the boy, her words slow.

The boy stares at Kurogane. Kurogane looks back and hopes that he doesn’t look too scary. Kurogane cannot tell if there is recognition in the boy’s eyes, or if he is imagining it.

Eventually, the boy stands up and walks hesitantly closer. Kurogane kneels down, and the boy stops a foot away. He is still clutching the stuffed dragon in his little hands. Kurogane slowly reaches out and touches the boy’s chest with the tips of his fingers.

“Fai?” He asks, and the boy’s round eyes grow wide.

To Kurogane’s surprise, the boy shakes his head. “Yuui,” He says in a soft, high voice.

Kurogane’s eyes widen. Yuuko had told him that this was a second chance to save his most precious person, but that was Fai, not Yuui. Was she wrong? Or was there something more to it?

Kurogane doesn’t have time to question it in that moment. Yuui is frowning and beginning to look nervous. He points to himself. “Kurogane.”

Yuui’s brows furrow. “Ku…Kuro g-guh…” He trails off and frowns, and Kurogane can’t help but laugh to himself.

“Kuro-sama,” He says, smiling. He had never said the nickname himself before. He can see why it was easier for Fai to say.

“K-Kuro-sama,” Yuui repeats, and he smiles just a little bit.

Rika is standing behind them, watching the exchange with wide eyes. Finally, she steps forward. “Do… Do you know him?” She asks Kurogane.

Kurogane smiles. “Sort of.”

\--

It’s spring. Kurogane likes spring.

Fai prefers autumn, but even so, he cannot deny the beauty spring brings. Kurogane thinks that spring suits him better anyway, all vivid colors and budding flowers and chilled but comfortable weather.

Fai laughs. It is Kurogane’s favorite sound, it’s what he imagines sunshine would sound like if he could hear it, bright and warm. He was upset over something… Right, Fai teasing him, as usual. It fades away when he sees how happy Fai is.

“I love you.”

The words are out before Kurogane can stop them. Fai’s laughter abruptly stops and he looks at Kurogane with big eyes before averting his gaze. Kurogane swallows nervously and silently curses himself. He knows that, for reasons he has yet to learn, Fai does not believe he deserves to be loved. Or maybe it isn’t about deserving, but just the fact that Fai seems to think that it is impossible for anyone to love him. 

Kurogane had known the feelings in his heart were true. They’ve been living there for quite some time now. He kept them to himself though, waiting until he felt it was a good time to share them with Fai. He did not want to scare Fai off. He needed to be sure Fai was ready.

With the sun shining down on them though, the soft breeze, Fai’s smile and laughter, Kurogane could not hold himself back. He reaches out hesitantly and puts his hand over Fai’s, and he sees Fai swallow. He isn’t running away. Kurogane supposes that that is a good thing.

“…Kuro-sama?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m… Really happy.”

“…Yeah, me too.”

“…Kuro-sama?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you, too.”

\--

Kurogane takes a deep breath, his eyes shut. He relishes the warmth of the sun, the soft mist from the ocean, the salt in the air. It’s the same as when he was a child. It seems to be the one constant in Kurogane’s life.

He had not thought he would be back in his hometown, not for quite a while, anyway. Giving Yuuko his resignation had been one of the hardest things he had ever had to do. Still, she understood, even if her eyes were wet. He still sees her from time to time, either when she finds time to visit him or when he heads into the city to visit Fai. Syaoran, Sakura, and Tomoyo were going to be visiting this weekend, too, once their vacation from school started.

Everything is different. Nothing is like what he imagined it would be. Still…

“Kuro-sama!”

Some things are the same.

Kurogane grunts at the sudden weight slamming into his back. There is a giggle in his ear and little arms wrap around his neck. Kurogane can’t help but smile.

“What is it now, you little brat?” He asks, opening his eyes to look over his shoulder at the grinning child holding onto him.

“Ice cream!” Yuui chirps. “Let’s get ice cream!”

His feet are bare and covered in sand. Kurogane is sure the apartment will be covered in sand that’s found its way into Yuui’s clothes and hair from all his playing.

“Huh? What’s that?” Kurogane asks, raising a brow.

Yuui whines and pulls at him. “Kuro-sama!”

Kurogane chuckles to himself. Some things truly never change. 

Same soul, indeed.

Kurogane grabs Yuui’s sandals and grips the child’s legs before standing up swiftly. Yuui cries out in glee, his arms tightening around Kurogane’s neck. He’s laughing airily, and Kurogane smiles. There is nothing he wouldn’t give to ensure that laughter stays, to keep Yuui happy forever.

He heads towards the ice cream stand that sits on the beach. Yuui is cheering and kicking his feet. His tiny hands are now on top of Kurogane’s head, holding onto black hair. Kurogane squeezes just behind Yuui’s knees, and Yuui erupts in a fit of giggles.

There is a tightness in Kurogane’s chest, but he still smiles. The pain has faded somewhat in the past year. Dulled, but always there. Sometimes it’s stronger. Sometimes it’s so hard, Kurogane can hardly bring himself to get through the day. Kurogane isn’t sure if it will ever go away. His heart is still an open wound. His soul still feels battered, torn, and beaten.

There’s something healing about Yuui’s laughter, though, about his smile, his whining, his stubborn pouts. Something that brings about that pain, and then soothes it like cooling water. 

Kurogane shifts his hold on Yuui, moves him, grabs him and pulls him into his arms and then tosses him into the air. Yuui shrieks with laughter, not scared at all, not when it is Kurogane catching him. Kurogane catches the boy and pulls him close to his chest, nuzzling his neck with kisses. Yuui’s giggles are like bubbles spilling from his mouth, and he tries to push Kurogane’s face away. Kurogane knows that his stubble tickles, so he just nuzzles in closer and Yuui’s laughter grows.

“Kuro-sama!” Yuui cries. His little hands find Kurogane’s neck and begin tickling there in revenge, and Kurogane pulls back, chuckling. Yuui is still giggling, breathless. “Kuro-sama is silly!”

He has learned a lot since Kurogane adopted him. He still has communication issues at times, still speaks with an accent, but Kurogane is patient and helps him through every stumble.

Kurogane just shakes his head and lifts Yuui up to sit him on his shoulders. Yuui cheers happily—that is his favorite way for Kurogane to carry him. Kurogane smiles and squeezes Yuui’s ankle.

“You know I love you, kid,” Kurogane tells him.

“Mhmm!” Yuui hums happily, and Kurogane can hear his smile. “I love you too, Kuro-sama!”

Kurogane nods and continues his walk down the beach. The sun is beginning to set over the water, casting a warm tint over them. Kurogane thinks of the times he spent with Fai here, the times they visited and Fai refused to leave the beach until the sun was completely set. He can’t help but wonder how Fai would have taken to Yuui. It probably would have been hard for him at first, but he thinks that Fai would have made a great father, that they would have made a great team.

He wonders if there is another world where they were given that chance, where they are walking down a beach just like this with a child of their own between them, each of them holding onto a tiny hand. 

_No one is ever really gone,_ Sakura had told him. _Fai-sensei would never truly leave, even if he isn't physically here. That’s what I believe._

Kurogane looks at the spot next to him, the spot where Fai would be walking. _Are you the one that keeps whispering in the kid’s ear to get ice cream then?_ He thinks, smiling to himself. A soft breeze passes by. He can practically hear Fai’s laughter.

“Kuro-sama!” Yuui says, patting Kurogane’s head. “What are we going to do tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow?” Kurogane asks.

There had been a time when Kurogane could not think of tomorrow, where he could not look forward, when he was stuck on that day. The days passed, but Kurogane stayed still. He did not want tomorrow to ever come. He wanted it to be yesterday, the day before that, the day before he lost everything. He never wanted that tomorrow to come, that day when it all slipped away.

Now, though…

“We’ll do whatever you want, kiddo,” Kurogane tells him, and Yuui cheers.

“More ice cream!” Yuui cries happily, and Kurogane rolls his eyes.

“Idiot," Kurogane murmurs under his breath, smiling.

Now there is a reason to look towards tomorrow again.


End file.
